queen of pain

i left my lil "showbiz" life when i was 5, "batang yagit" because i had to. i lived with my mama and my papang and we were a happy family. we traveled and enjoyed being together in church, malls, family friends and more. mama wanted a peaceful life for me and she didn't like my schedule and the stress, working as a child actress.

i was six and i was starting to get confused with our family set-up. i seldom see my dad and i oftenly mistaken other dads/ men with mustache as him. then i had many "mommies" like mommy judith, mommy elsie, mommy bing... then i started to realize that they have their own kids and i haven' seen my real mom. so i kept asking my mama. i knew from the start the mama is my granny. i lost papang the same year and it was one of my darkest days. my papang was one of the known police officers in our city. he died as a captain, awaiting for promotion for police major. he was such an inspiration, an intellectual, eloquent and a man of several languages-- spanish, french, latin, german... he had so many plans for me when i was a kid. unfortunately, he passed away due to our family's hereditaryillness-- diabetes.

in the process of accepting he's gone, my dad and his girlfriend who soon became his wife came and lived in our house. i was so happy because i thought she was my mom. i saw that she was pregnant and i was just so excited to see my brother. one afternoon as i was playing, she came my way and isaid "mom..." she blurted "di kita anak!" it was a mixed feeling of disappointment and sadness but i kept it to myself.then changes started to happen...

i used to have 2 guardians-- ate ging and ate mila. they were not running after me nor bugging me to eat, take a shower and those things they ued to do. i was enjoying it because i was doing things alone then i realized that i couldn't do everything alone. she told me "wala ka nang yaya." and the feeling of uneasiness continued to grow.

until i saw her physically hrting me and my dad, too. at times i hear her blame me for being the daughter of my mother whom i never saw.

2nd grade, my mama went to japan. i was left with daddy, mommy susan (stepmom), my baby brother... i missed mama and i used to cry before sleeping at night. i lost my carpool, i had to go to school alone with all my heavy stuff. i had so many chores after coming home from school. i had to make sure our house was clean before mommy comes home from the office while watching my baby bro. then before i sleep, i should make sure the windows are closed in all 4 rooms upstairs. lights are turned off, doors locked and more.

one time i was so busy with school because it was our exam week, i was trying my best to keep my place as a first honor student. i was to sleepy to finish my chores and i fell aseep. i woke up with her foot on my chest, i saw her face in the dim light. she said "bat di mo sinara lahat ng bintana, ang tanga-tanga mo!" and as i expected she hurt me again. i almost slipped because i was to sleepy to climb up.

then chores kept coming my way, had almost no time to play. i missed mama and i felt so sad and hurt. i had to scrub the floors, the bathroom. the chlorine was too strong and i always felt dizzy after i clean. our house helper wasn't helping me. well, she was told not to. at times i had to spend hours inside the bathroom-- locked. and my dad, when he comes home he's always drunk. and when he sees me, he always hit me. my pain grew and so my anger, too.

i wished i was with my real mom but i didn't want to change the time when i had mama and papang. my mama came back home and i didn't tell her what has been happening. things almost went back to normal but my dad didn't care about what mama would think. he kept on hurting me. mama tried to block him whenever he comes to hit me and at times, my mama got hit instead. all these kept happening until i reached 4th year high school.

i grew up with anger but i never thought of disobeying them. i learned to be responsible and i felt more matured than my schoolmates and friends. i focused more on the things that would make me stronger. i joined a martial arts club, mounteneering club and other physical activities. martial arts so i can justify my bruises from home.

one night when my friend came to our place. she was crying. she had a family problem-same stuff i get from her most of the time. her mom, being a single parent and her 3 brothers. then i went out with her to get her a cab so she can go home safely. dad came and hit me in front of so many people in our street.

i had to run from him and i was force to go with my friend and not go home because he left me with a threat--that he'd kill me.

i was devastated. i never knew mom and they hated me for being her daughter and i kept on trying to understand why.......

i had to live with friends at first, worked to live...

i was in a band, i became a tutor to gradeschools, i became a junior medical representative, law firm associate, teen model and more!

then i had professional friends. one time i received an email from our boss. he was the congressman in dallas, tx that time. he offered me college education. he had faith in me.

i continued to see mama and i told her about it. i had to leave our place studyin a bigger city.

i got it and i didn't get any help from my parents. they believed in my potential and so i did well.

then i finally met my real mom. she then whispered "di nila alam ha." so she went on and said her husband doesn't know she had another daughter. she introduced me as her godchild/ niece. and for so many instances, people would ask who was i-- family physician, my half sis' piano teacher, drivers, maids, and all the visitors who asked aboute were told i was that godchild. if they say i looked like mom she'd say i'm her niece. it was painful to hear but i kept it to myself because i wanted to be with mom. i had to swallow those times i eat at the kitchen instead of the dining area, with my other cuzz from the province whom my mom's sending to school in, the maids, too. no biggie bec. i had fun with them but at times it thoug, i missed being in a family table, eating with papang ang mama. my sister and brother were lucky to be taken cared by mom. they were like babies even though they were in high school already. they became close to me. i had to go with the driver to o.b. montessori in greenhills to wait for my sis because she wants me to get her out of school than our driver. my bro took me to where he loved hanging out and we played videogames together. so i felt a little ok. bu then i just felt mom wasn't interested in being close to me. i had to hide in my room everytime visitors came. i felt that the house was too small. i realized, i shouldn't be bothering my mom. she obviosly wants to keep that kind of life-- her life with her new family, her life without me. so i left.

behind all these i had my bestfriend, charity. she was there during the good times and the bad. we share almost the same probs. she had family problems, too. we used to play every after classes during high school. we used to speak straight english and once i or she uttered a single filipino word, that person will treat the other with ref cake ouside the school. we had different interests. she loved to dance, i loved singing. she was in a dance group, while i was in our chrch choir, school choir. but we were both in dramatics/ thespian/ theatre. we were both cadet officers and we loved being together.

she ran away from home, too. she had problems and complications between her family and her boyfriend. she told me she was in her cuz's condo in makati and i should have gone there. i was busy with starting a new life and work. i was in mandaluyong that time. i didn't know she was going through so much pain with her bf. he was hurting her physically...

then new year came and she called me. she told me she had fun at rockwell with her cuzzins. and she said i should've been with her. then she rushed and said she'd call me later. i waited and she didn't. it was weird. it felt weird that on the 3rd day that i was trying to call her and she continued to be out of reach; i called her cussin's phone. and i thought it was her. it was her cuz who was telling me she's gone.

i felt i crumbled down and i felt so weak. i rushed to the morgue, and there she was, my poor bestfriend layed there, lifeless and bruises evidently showed. from the investigation, she died because of craneal hemorrhage. his ex-bf killed her.

i had nowhere to run. and again, i was alone. it was the second darkest day of my life.

until this day, it's still so hard to say to myself my bestfriend's gone. sh was my only family wen everyone was so far away. i still feel that emptiness and i still can't let go. i love her that much.

my dad, my stepmom--- i can say we have a better relationship now. i have been helping them with many things though we're not together. and i can feel they regret those things they did. i've learned to forgive them and i'm jsut thankful for being me now. that i shouldn't keep hatred in my heart and pain is something i can't handle.